


steamed hams except its a jupeter fic

by GayKravitz



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Au where Peter lives with mag still and invite juno over for luch, Other, juno is suspicious of everything peter does, like seriously this is all just a joke dont take it seriously, meme fic, theres a fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 17:06:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13275990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayKravitz/pseuds/GayKravitz
Summary: Peter lives in Hyperion City with Mag, who is still alive but now a retired thief. He invites private eye Juno Steel over for a lunch date, but some things go wrong. A lot of things go wrong.





	steamed hams except its a jupeter fic

The doorbell rang, Peter Nureyev excitedly opening with a smile. Juno stood there in the doorway obviously frustrated but mildly pleased to see him. He held a bottle of wine, or champagne. It was hard to tell with the red ribbon covering the label.

“Well, Nureyev, I made it. Despite your directions.” Juno grumbled passive-aggressively. Nureyev smiled, amused but polite.

“Ah, Juno, welcome!” He kept his hands behind his back, showing off his white, lace apron. “I hope you’re ready for an unforgettable luncheon.”

“Yeah.” Juno grumbled, and walked into his home. The dining room was just past living room, and Nureyev followed Juno into it. Juno set down the bottle into the small bucket of ice already on Peter’s table before sitting down at the table.

Nureyev opened the door to his kitchen, expecting the delicious smell of a roast ham to consume him. Instead, he found smoke pouring from his over. He gasped and ran over, making sure to close the door behind him to make sure that Juno did not see his panic. He pulled open the oven, seeing his roast in flames and smelling of charcoal. He quickly shut the oven door, coughing a little bit from the smoke.

“Oh no! My roast, it’s ruined!” Peter cried, and tried to find a solution. Throw it out the window? No, then there would be no food. But he couldn’t just serve that, oh no. That would be worse than having no food.

“Unless…” Peter looked out of the window of his kitchen, noticing the fast food restaurant across the street. His mind came up with several ideas and he latched onto the closest one. “What if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?” Nureyev grinned, his sharp teeth bared. “Oh ho, how delightfully devilish, Nureyev!”

Peter removed his apron and set it on the stove before opening the window and preparing to climb out. However, before he could get one foot out, Juno opened the door to the kitchen.

“I-“ Before he said anything, Juno spotted him and narrowed his eyes, immediately suspicious.

“Ah, Juno!” Peter quickly said, attempting to disperse any suspicion of devious activities. “I was just, uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric excersize! Care to join?”

Juno, not convinced pointed at the smoking oven. “Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Nureyev?”

“Smoke? That isn’t smoke, it’s steam. From the steamed clams we’re having.” He pat his stomach in a “”convincing”” manner. “Mmm, steamed clams.”

Juno stared in disbelief for a second. He muttered a “I can’t deal with this right now” that Nureyev pretended not to hear before before just turning and leaving the kitchen. Nureyev quickly took the opportunity to jump out of the window, landing in the bushes and quickly running to the fast food place across the street.

Juno tucked a napkin into his shirt collar, preparing himself for the meal when Peter exited the kitchen with a platter of hamburgers and french fries. “Juno, I hope you’re ready for mouth-watering hamburgers!”

“I thought we were having steamed clams?” Juno asked, raising an eyebrow and adjusting his napkin.

“Steamed clams? Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That’s what I call hamburgers.” Peter sat down, placing the platter on the table with him.

“You call hamburgers… steamed hams.” Juno said, his voice deadpan.

“Yes. It’s a regional dialect.” Peter checked his nails and smiled at Juno.

“Uh-huh. What region?” Juno asked.

“Uh, Martian.”

“Really. Because I’m from Mars and i’ve never heard anyone use the term ‘steamed hams’.”

“Oh, not on Mars, no. It’s a Phobos expression.” Peter was getting tangled up in this web of lies he’s created, and Juno seem entirely unconvinced but somehow tolerating it.

“I see.” Juno ended the topic, and Nureyev was entirely thankful.

They began to eat, with both of them grabbing a burger and taking big bites. Peter washed his down with a sip of the, what he now knew was, white wine. Juno chewed for a second, before disassembling his burger by taking off the top bun.

“You know, these burgers are quite similar to the ones they have at sci-fi McDonalds.” Juno mentioned, looked at Nureyev.

Peter laughed. “Oh, no, patented Nureyev burgers! Old family recipe.”

 “For steamed hams.”

“Yes.”

“That’s- okay, so you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they’re obviously grilled.” Juno showed the grill marks on the patty to Nureyev.

“Ah, uhm.” Pause. “Y-You know, the.” Another pause. “One thing I should.” Another pause. Juno just stared at him, entirely disbelieving. “Excuse me for a moment.”

“Of course.”

Peter stood and entered the kitchen, only for a second, before exiting with what started as a yell but ended as a yawn and a stretch. “Ah, well, that was wonderful. Good times had by all. I’m pooped.”

Juno put down his half-eaten burger, removed his napkin and looked at his watch as he stood. “Yes, well I should be- Good lord, what is happening in there?!”

Nureyev turned, the kitchen door was left slightly open and you could see the glow of the fire inside. He struggled to come up with something, before two words popped into his head. “Aurora Borealis?” The words came out slightly panicked.

“Aurora Borealis?!” Juno started with disbelief and turned into a yell, tired of his obvious lies. “At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!”

“Yes.” Peter replied with a smile.

“May I see it?” Juno asked.

“Hm. No, I don’t think so.” Nureyev replied.

Peter saw Juno out, the two of them exchanging goodbyes as the house was engulfed in flames.

“PETE, THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!” A voice yelled from the window on the second floor.

“No, Mag, that's just the northern lights!” Nureyev yelled back. He turned back to Juno, who was just entirely done with this whole situation.

“Well, Nureyev, you are an odd fellow, but I have to say. You steam a good ham.” Juno smiled at Nureyev, and he knew instantly that he had won the day today.

With that, Juno walked away towards his car. The flames were now visible through windows of the house, and Peter just watched him leave with his hands behind his back and a smile on his face. Juno turned back around suddenly as Mag began screaming for help, the flames from the burnt roast consuming the house fully. Peter gave a shaky thumbs up with a wide smile.

Juno shrugged and walked away.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> im funny laugh at my memes
> 
> meme reference: https://youtu.be/Y4lnZr022M8
> 
> nureeyev.tumblr.com


End file.
